Where I’ve Been.

Well hello there Gorgeous, long time no talk. I know I have been extremely distant lately and for that I apologize but girl its been a crazy past couple of months. Are you ready for me to spill all the beans about my crazy life? Well get ready, make sure you have a snack ready and a coffee (or a glass of wine) because you are going to need it.

It’s been a really long 2 1/2 months, full of ups and downs, turn arounds, whirl winds, and so much more than I ever expected. Let’s start with the biggest bump in the road. Justin and I are no longer engaged, in fact we weren’t together for almost 3 months. We just recently rekindled our relationship, which we are both very happy and excited about, but it took me a while to get to that point.

It was Justin’s decision to end our relationship for personal reasons. When he first ended our relationship I was blown away and honestly just shocked. I mean the man I planned on marrying no longer wanted to be with me and it just turned my world upside down completely. It was just before this happened that I finally admitted I needed help for my anxiety and depression so this just came at one of the worse times for me. I knew that he did not do this to hurt me, because that’s not the man Justin is. I was always going to love him and I would never have anything bad to say about him, but in the moment I was just so mad and sad that I couldn’t even think straight. I had no motivation. I wanted to give up.

I persevered.

Thank goodness for moms, nanas, and girlfriends because without all of them I wouldn’t have made it out okay. I have learned a lot about who I want to be in a relationship and who I never want to be again. I learned that just because I was treated wrong in a previous relationship doesn’t mean the person I’m with now deserves me to take it out on them. It wasn’t their fault I was wronged. I learned to love myself in ways I never thought were possible. Justin always complimented me and told me how pretty I was, but I could never see that in myself, (this was one of his biggest pet peeves) but I can finally see that. I love my body. I love who I am again. That was a big moment for me while we were apart, and I knew this would make a big difference if we were to ever get back together again.

We eventually did… but there’s so much before we get to that part!

When J and I first broke up we continued to talk and I would go over and visit our pups, but eventually it became too hard for me. I would always get my hopes up when I saw him, thinking “maybe this time he will tell me to stay” but that didn’t happen. Eventually I became more and more distant, and it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see him because trust me I wanted to. It just started to become more than I could handle. I would break down in tears almost every time I saw him because I did love him. He will always hold my heart, and deep down I truly knew he still loved me. I also knew that if we were ever going to have a friendship I needed to distance myself from him so my feelings wouldn’t all come rushing back at once.

That obviously does not work.

In the meanwhile I went out with my girls quite a bit. People joke about how every weekend I was somewhere different, but I kind of was! Two of my best girlfriends and I took a day trip to Chicago and that was a blast! We got our favorite pizza, some yummy donuts, the best smelling bath bombs from Lush, and of course took our basic tourist pictures at the Bean. We seriously had so much fun that day it was ridiculous! We also went to the bar a couple of times and just had some drinks and danced the night away! Which if you know me, you probably know how much I love to dance! So those nights were a blast! Nicole and I also stayed overnight at a casino where we had the best drinks ever (they are called a love boat), danced our butts off again, and had the most amazing cheese fries ever! My mom also took me a couple of times with one of her friends from work. Oh my gosh they are too funny, plus they always buy my drinks which is even better!

I’m not exaggerating when I say these were the best cheese fries!

Nicole had a really close friend of hers getting married and that invited her to the bachelorette party and let me tag along. We drove 9 -10 hours from Elkhart, IN to Kansas City, Kansas! We had sooo much fun out there! Went to the Cheesecake Factory (they never disappoint) and then went out that night to the Power and lights district which is a ton of bars combined into one which is located in Kansas City, MO (only an 8 minute drive from one another). We just had so much fun getting to know one another, having drinks, getting ready  together, and just dancing up a storm!

That weekend was crazy but fun!

I also managed to go to a Notre Dame football game *insert heart eyes* after tailgating the weekend before at their opener against Michigan. Notre Dame just so happens to be UNDefeated so far this year *insert more heart eyes*. The game was a blast, we won! We also had some amazing tailgate food, which never disappoints at ND!

I just love my football!

Then things starting taking a turn.

Justin started reaching out to me more trying to get me to come see our son (boxer) Ceazar. I really wanted to but it was just so hard for me to see him, and realize that he is no longer mine. The first time I stayed strong and was like, “ya know I really just need some time to get over you before I see you again”. In the meanwhile his grandfather’s health was declining, and faster than we all thought it would. He would update me here and there about anything going on with grandpa, which was also hard on me because I truly loved his family as if they were my own.

October 1, 2018

The day things started coming back together again. At 5:55pm Justin texted me telling me he didn’t think grandpa had much time left. At 7:48 pm I left my house to go see them. It would end up being one of the last times I had a conversation with his grandpa Glen as he passed away that following Sunday October 7th, 2018 at 2:19pm surrounded by his family.

This night everything changed though.

It was like Justin and I were back in sync with one another. It was almost as if nothing had ever happened. We decided we would start working on things together as we both knew we deeply loved each other.

Sunday October 14th, 2018.

The day Justin and I officially got back together.

I am happy to say that we are working on things together and growing stronger with one another everyday. We are taking on the responsibility of a home with two boxer babies and while we are nervous we also couldn’t be more excited for this next step.

So yeah loves, that’s where I’ve been. How I am doing. What’s been going on in my life. Why I haven’t had like any time to post. Last but not least but that’s also why I’m back.

I hope you have some of your snack left after this long blog post, but just saying I did warn you!

Love you guys and all of your support always,

Chloé Danielle

Rough Week.

As I sit down to write you today, I want you to know last week was rough for me. Is that okay? Absolutely! We are all bound to have rough days, weeks, months, or even years but it’s all in how we handle it. My emotions have been high, my anxiety has been all over the place, and I have simply felt lost. At the end of the day I survived it, and I managed to get that much stronger. I ended up having an amazing weekend with amazing people. I am proud of myself for not letting my anxiety and depression run my life. Does it sometimes overtake my thoughts? Of course it does, but I fight my way back out, and those closest to me help me in more ways that they know.

I surround myself with people who make me laugh at the most stupid things until my stomach hurts, who embarrass the crap out of me until my face turns red, and who lift me up when I feel like I don’t even remember how to stand. I am so thankful for each and every one of you, because without you (you know who you are) I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. I’ve had a lot of obstacles in my path and a lot of demons that I continue to battle, but these people help me to realize that I will never be alone, and that I will make it out okay. They remind me that “I am enough”, so that I can sit down to remind you, that “you are enough” my darling. Even on your darkest days when you feel like you have no more to give, that no one cares, and you feel like you just simply suck, I appreciate you. I love you. I know that “you are enough” my darling and you are stronger than you realize.

If I have learned anything in my 21 years on this Earth, it’s the simple fact that those who we surround ourselves with have a huge impact on our life. Find a couple people who appreciate you and all your awkwardness and never let them go, because at the end of the day those are the people who care about you. Those are the people who will constantly check up on you. When I was younger I always wanted to be a “popular” girl but as I got older I’ve realized not everyone is genuine in this life. Trust me you will be able to realize who is genuine and who is not in a matter of minutes. I have a small circle of friends who are simply the best, and I wouldn’t trade them for 100 friends even on the darkest of days.

A lot of people tell me how they feel bad for everything I’ve endured in my life, and how I don’t deserve any of it. While yes I might agree with them a little bit, it’s made me the strong woman that I am today, and I am so thankful for that. Every road block I’ve hit, every stubbed toe, and every tear shed was worth it for this moment. The moment I started to believe in myself and this amazing life I was given.

We are strong. We are enough. We are beautiful. We are intelligent. We stand together. I am always here if any of you ever need to talk. I will not let you walk this path alone. I love each and every one of you.

I am Chloé Danielle and this is my Journey.

Love always, Chloé Danielle

My Journey

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Mental illness is a serious matter and I’ve known that from a very young age. It runs in my family and almost everyone in my family has been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness. From an extremely young age I watched some of the people I love most, suffer from these mental illnesses. I feel like I knew what to look for, but still ignored all the signs when it came to taking care of my own self. I let myself go without help and  it not only affected me, but those who are the closest to me.

I suffer from what they call mild anxiety/depression and I would agree that on a typical day my anxiety/depression is mild, but there are definitely days where I am completely stuck in my head and I can’t seem to find a way out. I go days or weeks where I have zero motivation and all I want to do is sleep. I have times where all I want to do is eat, eat, eat, and I have times where you can’t get me to eat a thing. I have times where I am the happiest as can be, and times where I take things out on those around me. I struggle with letting my past dictate my thoughts and future. All of this was a wake up call and made me realize that I truly wasn’t okay. I was fooling myself the entire time, and those closest to me started to realize it.

I always thought that if I admitted I had something wrong with me,  people would look down upon me, make fun of me, or my mental state of mind would end up defining who I was as a person. I am here to tell you that all of the above are wrong. You define who you are, you define your future, and you control your happiness not your mental illness. Trust me I’m not saying this is going to be an easy road,  I’m just starting it myself, but I have amazing people surrounding me to help guide me through it. Together we are going to beat this and make it out stronger than ever my darling.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to admit that you need the help. I personally struggled the most with this because I was so afraid and embarrassed as to what every one around me would say. I’ve learned that the people who truly love you are going to stand by your side and help you conquer one of your biggest demons life has thrown your way. Those who think you are crazy, well you are better off without them darling. With that being said, you also need to make a promise to yourself. You have to remind yourself that “I Am Enough”. Who YOU are as a person, with or without mental illness is enough. I often times forget this until I look down at my left arm and see the writing on my bicep reminding me that “I Am Enough”.

Find what makes you happy, what makes your heart skip a beat, and stick with it! For me personally I have started learning about myself now, more than ever before. I love coloring the adult coloring books, they bring so much peacefulness to my mind. I also love my blog, but as you can tell, I let that slip away from me for a while as I began my journey with mental illness. The important part is that I’ve acknowledged that I let myself go and I made a promise to myself to do what I love to do. I bought four books this past weekend and I’ve started two of them, and they are already helping me love myself more and more everyday. I am starting my journey at the gym again because working out and getting fit is one thing I’ve “promised” myself for the past 3 years, and I am finally going to keep this promise to myself. Whatever it is in life that truly makes you happy, my darling do it. Life is too short not to have joy in your life. Stop trying to impress everyone and start impressing yourself. Keep promises to yourself because typically the first person we break a promise to is our-self and that is not okay.

As I start my own battle against mental illness, I want you to know that I am always open to talking! If you need someone to talk to about anything or have any questions I am always here. I don’t know everything. I take every day as a learning experience. Getting help was one of the best decisions I have made for myself in a long time and I am so proud of myself for taking the first step to a better me.

I am Chloé Danielle Klein and this is my journey. I hope you stay along for the ride.

Love always, Chloé Danielle.